


the words i could never say

by chanstellation



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten is Whipped, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Taeyong is Bad at Feelings, Lee Taeyong is Whipped, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Rated for cursing, Through the Years, taeyong wants to be better for ten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:27:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27084850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanstellation/pseuds/chanstellation
Summary: taeyong doesn't intend to never tell ten about his feelings for him. it just happens.(inspired by i know you care by ellie goulding)
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 10
Kudos: 79





	the words i could never say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [milkyuuji](https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyuuji/gifts).



Taeyong had known he was attracted to Ten from the moment he first saw him. He remembers when Johnny told the group that his “childhood, Thai friend” was coming to study at their university. He was a dance major, minoring in literature, just like Taeyong. He remembers how Yuta made a joke, asking if he was hot and how Sicheng had reacted. The two weren’t even dating yet and maybe that was what made everything so funny: Sicheng was jealous but Yuta hadn’t even noticed. Nevertheless, Johnny had answered saying he was the hottest man he’d ever met. And he wasn’t lying. 

Taeyong first met Ten on a cold Saturday night, when the younger one landed in Seoul for the first time. The whole gang –all seventeen of them– were waiting for him at the arrival gates. He walked in and something in Taeyong knew, just  _ knew _ , that he was going to fall in love with him. It wasn’t because of how beautiful he was –though that  _ definitely _ had been taken into account– but more the way he looked so confused looking for his friend. And how his face lit up when he finally found Johnny and how it lit up even more when he saw the giant group of boys which had come just for him, despite never having met him before. They all started cheering for the Thai boy and then he smiled so big Taeyong thought he had seen the sun. Ten had soft yet sharp features: lips more beautiful than anything he’d ever seen, a defined nose (that he really wanted to boop), and beautiful dark eyes that seemed to glow with joy. It wasn’t long after that that they started to see each other on a daily basis –mainly because they had the same classes but also because they got on surprisingly well. They would study together, go out together, have dinner together, go to clubs together. They were just together all the time, to the point where Ten knew Taeyong’s appartement better than his own. 

He remembers when he dyed his hair red for the first time. Everyone had complimented him profusely –Ten included. A couple of days later, as the weather was starting to get warm, they had decided to have lunch outside with Taeil, Doyoung and Jaehyun. The eldest was telling them about how annoying and incompetent his lab partner was, and Doyoung and Jaehyun were laughing. Taeyong knew that he would’ve laughed too, if it hadn’t been for Ten’s  _ staring _ . The latter hadn’t spoken a single word throughout lunch. He was just eating and staring at him to the point where Taeyong couldn’t even think straight, his heart racing in his chest. 

A couple of hours after the bizarre lunch, while they were in class, he felt Ten suddenly lean in, his body moving closer to his. Taeyong instinctively raised his head and a little “what” escaped his mouth, the proximity with his friend making him a little nervous. Ten just looked at him for another few seconds before finally speaking up:

“You just  _ ugh _ … You look really hot with your new hair. I can’t concentrate.” 

Taeyong felt his cheeks –and his whole face– turn the same color as his hair as he tried to find something to say. But with the younger staring at him like that, he couldn’t think, let alone form a coherent sentence. His eyes went big, and his cheeks got warmer and warmer until he finally managed to mumble a panicked “thank you” before getting back to his work. 

That was the day Taeyong realised he had a crush on Ten. 

Another time, they were in the library together, their upcoming literature exams looming over their heads. Needless to say, they weren’t exactly studying. It had been a few months since Taeyong realized he liked him and had wasted no time in telling his best friend and his boyfriend, Doyoung, about it and they both had had the same reaction: laughing and saying they had known for months now. Ten was currently wandering around the library looking for books -Taeyong was having a hard time discerning why as the books pulled from the shelves seemed unrelated- and occasionally bringing them to their table. Not bothering to try to comprehend Ten’s bizzare mission, Taeyong just looked at him walking around the bookshelves. He looked so focused and so breathtakingly beautiful. Ten was wearing one of Johnny’s shirts -the two lived together- that was way too big on him –it refined the word oversized- and those ripped black jeans that made Taeyong’s heart flutter. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Taeyong asked when his friend finally sat down and started leafing through the seventeen books in front of him. The latter held up a pencil and put it between his teeth, chewing the tip as he flipped through the book pages, looking for  _ something _ .

“Yukhei wants to confess to Jungwoo, and he wants it to be romantic. And, well you know how crazy Jungwoo is for books,” Ten put the pencil down and marked the page when he finally found something. He looked up at Taeyong “But the guy is majoring in chemistry and hates reading so he asked me if I could give him a hand and find cute quotes from books so he could profess his love to Jungwoo using them”. 

Taeyong reflected on what Ten had just said. He had to admit it  _ was  _ a really cute idea. 

“You know you’re not supposed to write in the books right? They belong to the school.” He teased.

“It’s pencil!” Ten defended, “I’ll just erase everything when I’m done.”

Taeyong smiled as his crush went back to reading. He himself went back to studying until the Thai boy called his name and told him he had found something really cute. He was holding a copy of All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven:

“She is oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. The same elements that are inside the rest of us, but I can't help thinking she's more than that and she's got other elements going on that no one's ever heard of, ones that make her stand apart from everybody else.” Ten read, focused on every word. He looked up excitedly at Taeyong. “Don’t you think that’s adorable?”

Taeyong nodded, a smile on his face as he thought that  _ Ten _ was all of those things. He was oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium and phosphorus. Just like Taeyong was, but Ten had something more, Ten  _ was  _ made of some other element, something that made him so much more interesting, so much more amazing, so much more Ten than anyone else. Maybe it was his big heart or his laugh, or maybe it was his radiant skin. He wasn’t sure, but there was something in Ten’s DNA that made him different than everyone else. 

“Yeah, adorable.” he agreed. Ten smiled, satisfied as he went back to his books. 

That was when Taeyong realised how ridiculously in love he was with Ten.

Almost a year after that day, a couple of months after they had started their third year of college, Ten and Taeyong were training for a dance competition they had. It was in January, but they both knew that it was better to start working now than a few weeks before the show. So they would stay later at night in the studio, only the two of them left. Most of the nights, one of them would get chinese takeout and they’d eat it together, talking and resting. It became their routine: school, takeout, then dance. And Taeyong loved it. He enjoyed spending time with Ten more than anything, especially if the latter was dancing. He would be lying if he said that the Thai boy wasn’t the best dancer he’d ever seen. Not because he danced better but because his way of dancing was more… everything. Ten became another person while dancing. His movements were so sharp and precise, yet so graceful and elegantly beautiful. He was absolutely hypnotising and no one could disagree. Taeyong would often pretend to be tired and to have to sit and rest just to watch his crush dance around the room. 

It wasn’t until one night, after Taeil forced Taeyong to go on a date with his cousin, that things changed. Taeyong didn’t like the boy, he was too loud, boring and spent their whole date talking about his followers. And most of all, he wasn’t Ten. He had accepted to go on the date only to please his friend. When he finally got to the studio, he was late for his usual meetup with Ten. His date had forced him to drop him back to his house and he ended up getting back to the school building thirty minutes later than he was supposed to. Ten was already dancing when he got there but stopped the second he stepped a foot in the room. His face lit up with a smile and Taeyong felt his stomach fill with warmth and happiness. 

“And where the fuck were you?” Ten asked, smiling and drying himself with a towel.

“Uh, you know,” Taeyong started scratching his neck, feeling awkward “that stupid date with Taeil’s cousin.” Ten’s smile faded as he stopped all of his movements. Taeyong felt uneasy. 

“A date?” 

“Yeah. Well he kind of forced me to go but uh yeah.” Taeyong was pretty sure he was red, why did he feel like he had to justify himself? 

“I’m guessing you’ve already had dinner then?” Ten looked down. 

“Yeah.” Things were so tense, he hated it. 

Ten snorted and turned around, taking half of the chinese takeout and throwing it away in the trash. He turned around and stared at Taeyong for a few seconds before speaking up. 

“You know at first I thought you just didn’t know. Then I thought you were an idiot. But now? Now I just feel humiliated because I just genuinely think you don’t like me back.”

There was a silence in the room as Ten started packing his stuff. Taeyong was speechless, he felt his brain whirling in his skull. Ten liked him? He’d actually liked him all this time? And Taeyong didn’t notice? What the fuck was happening? He only reacted when the Thai boy pushed past him, shoving him with his shoulder. Tae held him back, taking his wrist in his hand and spinning him around. 

“You like me?”

“Of course I fucking do. How blind are you? I can’t believe I’ve been pining over you for two years and you-”

Taeyong didn’t let him finish, he just kissed him. He put his lips on Ten’s and they were as soft as he had expected them to be. Everything was as good, even better than he had imagined it. His hand was on the younger’s waist while the latter’s was in his hair, pulling softly. 

Taeyong doesn’t say it back. He never does actually. Taeyong never tells Ten how much he loves him or how much he cares about him. He never tells Ten that he’s the one who always places the covers onto him when he falls asleep on the couch. He never tells Ten he always sets reminders on his phone so he won’t forget his schedule. He never tells Ten that he  _ does _ know what his favourite dish is and that he  _ does _ cook it to make him happy. He never tells Ten that he calls his mom to make sure she knows that his son is okay. He never tells Ten that he gets up before him just so he can shower and be there when his lover wakes up –even if it means having to run to work. He never tells Ten that he wears his favourite sweater as often as possible to make him happy. He never tells Ten that everytime he goes away he brings one of his shirts with him. He never tells Ten that he’s truly, madly, deeply, foolishly, shamelessly, ridiculously in love with him. He just assumes Ten knows, so he never tells him. 

And he isn’t completely wrong. Of course Ten knows that Taeyong loves him. He doesn’t really wonder why he never says it. It never really hits him that his boyfriend has never told him that he was in love with him until they go out for dinner with Taeyong’s sister and her long-term boyfriend. When their mom asks her what their best moment was, Yeri answers that it was when he first said “I love you” to her. They all smile and coo as Taeyong’s hand grips Ten’s a bit tighter. That’s exactly the moment it hits him. And that’s when he starts observing his boyfriend more than he used to. That’s how he finds himself staring at Taeyong all the time, as though he were expecting the three words to suddenly pour out of his mouth. It’s only after a month that he gives up on the idea. 

“He loves you. Desperately. But don’t expect him to tell you.” Jaehyun says while sitting down on the couch in front of him, snuggling into Doyoung’s chest. 

“I don’t understand though, I tell him everyday. He’s never said it. Not once! In five years! Because it has been five years, Jaehyun. Well almost, but I’ve known him for seven years and that’s even longer which just makes it worse honestly.” Ten nervously rambles while taking a sip of whatever it is that Jaehyun put in front of him.

“I haven’t known him for as long as Jae has but I have never heard him say it. To anyone. Even his mom.” Doyoung adds, trying to comfort him (he guesses).

“It’s not so important, you know. They’re just words, he shows you he loves you all the time.”

“I totally agree with Ten though” Donghyuck protests, “it took Mark a whole year to say it and he said it in the worst moment and I was so angry at him”

“He didn’t talk to me for three days which was honestly ridiculous, it wasn’t even that bad.” Mark obviously gets hit on the arm after his statement.

“You said it when I was about to meet your mom for the first time! You just turned to me and said ‘I love you’ looking all cute and oh my god I’m going to get angry again.”

“I think what Donghyuck is trying to say,” Taeil interrupts “is that even if they’re just words,” Donghyuck and Ten nod “they matter. And they’re important. And I honestly think they’re right. You guys are lucky enough to be really open about your feelings but not everyone's the same. Jaehyun imagine if Doyoung never told you he loved you.” Jaehyun cringes and holds his boyfriend closer “Exactly. So Ten, you should totally tell him how you’re feeling and hopefully things will change, for the best.”

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t, because he’s scared. He’s so scared to ask Taeyong because what if he turns him down? What if he tells him it’s because he  _ doesn’t _ love him? What if he just feels awkward and doesn’t say anything? What if he doesn’t say it? What if they break up? Ten can’t seem to fall asleep after that last thought. It’s already late and Taeyong’s arm is around his waist when he gets up, goes to the kitchen and breaks down. He didn’t realise how sad it made him until he thought of losing him. Ten has grown so used to having Taeyong around that the thought of him not being here breaks his heart. And so he cries, he cries like never before. He cries until the sun is up and it’s 6:30 and he knows Taeyong wakes up at 7 so he tells himself he’ll go in 20 minutes. But it’s only a couple of minutes after that he hears a loud noise in his room followed by the door banging against the wall and sees Tae running to the living room, looking as worried as ever. His face relaxes when he sees Ten, whom he hugs straight away. It feels good, it feels safe.

“Why are you up? You usually get up later.” the younger asks, putting his hands on the older’s chest. Taeyong’s hold loosens as he takes a few steps back. 

“Uh, I, uh. I didn’t feel you next to me so uh, I woke up.” Taeyong lies.

Ten nods sadly and looks down, not really knowing what to say. 

“I also usually get up a bit earlier so I can hug you when you wake up.”

It’s not loud but in the room’s silence, Taeyong’s mumbles reach Ten’s ears perfectly. 

The Thai boy raises his head and tilts it, not sure if he heard correctly, but when his boyfriend’s cheeks go red and looks down, he knows that he did. And so he feels loved. But after all the hours he just spent crying instead of sleeping, he implodes. A loud sob breaks the silence as Ten crumbles on the couch. It all happens too fast for Taeyong to take it in, his boyfriend is sobbing loudly, looking as broken as ever, and he suddenly feels a thousand emotions. Sadness, because how could he be happy when his better half isn’t. Confusion, because what the fuck was even happening. Anger, because who broke the only man he had ever loved. But most of all, he was worried. He was worried, and so he went to him, as fast as possible, holding him as tight as he could. None of them say anything for a while. Taeyong was going to be late to work but he doesn’t even pay attention to it, all that matters is Ten. After a bit more than fifteen minutes of holding his lover and feeling the latter’s sobs calm down, he speaks up:

“Baby, what’s happening?”

Ten looks up to him, his eyes glowing because of the tears and Taeyong’s heart skips a beat because he’s still the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. 

“Do you love me?”

His mouth opens but no words come out.  _ Of course I love you _ . He wants to say it. He knows he has to say it. He knows it’s the right moment, and the words don’t come out. But seeing his boyfriend looking at him like he was God and had all the answers to his questions, Taeyong knows it’s now or never so he says it. It takes everything in him, but he knows it's worth it.

“Yes. More than anything.”

To say that they were the happiest couple on Earth was an understatement. As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew he would never regret it. The brightest, most beautiful smile appeared on Ten’s face and he jumped back into Taeyong’s arms, kissing him everywhere. And so Taeyong says it again. 

“I love you. I love you so much.” 

And again. 

“I love you.”

And again, everyday after that. 

“I love you.”


End file.
